The Working Mother

Tonight was my class night. I hate nights like these because I don't get to see my monster when I get off work. Some days I hate working period because I don't want to be away from him. The husband makes fun of me for it, but I don't think he truly understands how I feel because he gets to stay home during the day with Nolan. He works at night while the baby is sleeping so he doesn't have to worry about missing anything. By the time I get home my energy level is usually at its lowest point, and although the first thing I want to do is spend time with him, I also want to lay down and put my feet up.

I'm frustrated. Mainly because I have a husband who can't sympathize with most of my feelings and emotions. Most of the time if I pour my heart out for any reason I get a shrug of the shoulders and a change of the subject. It drives me crazy and I'm worried about it being like that for the rest of our marriage. I'm not trying to change him, but I wish he would be a little more sensitive towards my feelings. I don't know really know how to bring this up with him without the conversation being a waste of my time. But that was a big disgression...

I was talking to a coworker who had a baby a couple of months after I did and we both agreed that this is hard. She even planned her pregnancy and she still feels unprepared, lost, and confused about the journeys of parenthood. You put so much of yourself into being a parent and it's exhausting! Very enjoyable, but exhausting! The separation anxiety phase is really tearing me up as well. No one wants to see their kid upset because you can't stay and spend time with them. However, this is a phase and a process, and even though I understand that I still wish it wasn't so hard.

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Separation Anxiety

It's nice to know that my child loves me and is attached to me. It's not nice however, to see him cry and look so sad when I leave. I knew being a working mother would be hard. I knew there were going to be days when I would get choked up when I left for work, or in the future when I drop him off at school. People tell me that this is only a phase and that he'll get over it. Last week was a really bad week. A couple of days last week my grandmother came over to watch him while my dad took me to the train station, and since he knows the routine now he completely cut up with her. He knew I was getting ready for work and started crying before I even put my coat on. This had me messed up for the rest of the day, and prompted me to look into what to do to make this process easier.

So now when I leave I make our goodbyes short and sweet. By living with my parents I think they had a role in increasing his anxiety by turning our goodbyes into something more dramatic than it needs to be. I had to tell my mom to stop that this week. So far this week I've been giving him a kiss goodbye, and I walk out the door without turning around and waving goodbye. I used to wave goodbye until he would wave back (we're teaching him how to wave), but I don't think that helps him in this situation.

My husband says I baby him too much, but he's my baby! I don't think I'm doing anything to deter his development, and if anything, me being the nurturing mother that I am probably helps his development more. I just want him to know that he's loved and cared for and that he doesn't have anything to worry about. Joe and I are so different with our parenting. While he lets the baby cry for long periods of time I can't stand the sound of it, especially since Nolan lets out this high pitched scream that drives me crazy. There are times when letting him cry is needed and other times when it's not. When he throws his temper tantrums (that he recently developed) I take the needed action, but there are other times when he just wants to be comforted and held. Hell, there are times when I want to be comforted and held, and although I get that, I don't think my husband does. Not sure, I never know what's going through the man's head.

I definitely don't let him get his way, and I'm not opposed to spanking either. But right now I feel like he's too young to understand why he's getting a spanking. I'll probably pop him on his hand every once in a while. The most effective thing has been putting him in his play pen where he can't get to what I told him 3 times not to touch. I read somewhere that this is the time when babies/toddlers test their limits, and it seems like that's exactly what he's been doing. Nevertheless, I think he will turn out to be a pretty well-behaved child because neither my husband nor I have any kind of tolerance for anything less than good behavior.