End of My Rope

OK, I've been back at work for about the last 4 weeks. I expected things to go nice and smoothly, and I was hoping to get back into my normal routine but I was in for a very rude awakening when I returned to find 1) my desk in complete chaos 2) things not being handled the way I wanted them to be handled 3) my duties separated among 3 people. Let me say this, I did THREE jobs when my coworker left to work upstairs. I did my job, my coworker's, and my boss's because my boss was relatively new and didn't know what the hell she was doing.

So what was the solution they came up with: a student worker. I have to train someone to do MY job while I'm gone. I have a HUGE problem with this. He's a graduate student in finance and will be more than capable of doing my job. Why is this a problem? He's a GRADUATE STUDENT IN FINANCE! I have no finance background other than the jobs that I've had and they want him to start now.

**REMINDER** I was on bed rest for 5 weeks. The used 5 of my 12 weeks of FMLA. If I want to stay out on maternity leave longer I could lose my job. I would like to stay out longer for my baby but that probably won't be the case.

If I stay out on maternity leave past my 7 weeks of job protection, they could love this student so much that they'll terminate me. Not a risk I want to take but I'm so pissed that I have to even make that decision. My new boss told me that he doesn't plan on terminating my position and that I should do what I feel I should do, but I just don't 100% trust that while I'm gone, my job will be waiting for me when I get back.

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I want to spend time with my baby. If my worrisome doctors hadn't have put me on bedrest I wouldn't be in this mess. I probably could have been up going to work and walking around just fine this whole time. I could have my full 12 weeks of FMLA. I hate that everyone else gets to walk around smiling while I can't even sleep at night.

Now, on to the last minute worries and concerns. It hurts when I walk! I've never experienced so much pain in my life. It's called Symphysis Pubis Diastasis when your pubic bone separates to make room for the baby to come out. Think of doing a Chinese split and everything that could go wrong went wrong and that's the pain you have to deal with. My stomach is extremely heavy now and it's a pain just to walk to the bathroom, let alone walking to the train every day to get to and from work. My back is killing me too, but I think that's more from stress than a symptom of pregnancy. I really wish I had a car :-(

I'm sure all of these worries will go away as soon as my little one comes, but right now all I can think about is how I'm going to make it through these last little painful months and figure out how I'm going to save my job if I want to take time off. I guess some things will have to be sacrificed.

Bed Rest: Week 5 AND Release!

This has been one hell of a week. On Wednesday I had another check up and everything was still the same! Yay! So she cleared me to go back to work, but only part time. I was okay with that at the time because I didn't think I would have to use any of my Short Term Disability time or FMLA time. After contacting my boss I was told that I would still be using that time since I wouldn't be working my normal hours. After hearing this, I knew I was in for a battle.

I contacted the HR department at my job and was told that yes, I in fact would still be using my STD and FMLA. After 12 weeks, I would no longer have FMLA protection and could risk losing my job. My FMLA would officially be up on Dec 6th because I would have been gone for 12 weeks. That means, even if I was part time, I could still lose my job and definitely run a higher risk after the baby is born. I would still have a little bit of STD left, but not enough that would satisfy me and the time I would be able to spend with the baby. I don't think that my job would fire me when they know I just had a baby, but I trust NO ONE, especially when $$$ is involved.

So I some choices to make:

1) Continue to be on bed rest because going back part time would still be using STD and FMLA anyway.

2) Go back to work part time just to get out of the house and organize things for when I really do have the baby and still be using my STD and FMLA.

3) Go back to work full time and risk going into preterm labor, but at least I'll have time to spend with the baby. At this point I don't really see myself going into labor, but anything is possible. After getting the steroid shots the baby has a 95% of surviving if born now. I'll be 29 weeks tomorrow and I'm almost there! If I can make it to the end of the month without giving birth I'll be VERY thankful.

The way I see it, if I stay out on bed rest or part time leave, I will never forgive myself if I have the baby one day and have to go back to work the next day. What kind of time is that to bond with your newborn? I don't even have a plan of who I would leave the baby with. My mom is home most of the time but has to go to work a couple days out of the week. That means I would be leaving the baby with my mother-in-law, who lives too far away among other reasons that make me uncomfortable.

So I chose option 3. I stalked my doctor yesterday and today to get her to agree to let me go back to work full time. Needless to say it worked. I'm going back full time to save my STD and FMLA time for when the baby is actually here. If I don't have a J-O-B, I can't take care of my B-A-B-Y. So I'm sure there will be those at work who will judge me for coming back and not staying on bed rest, however, they're not the ones in my position. As far as I'm concerned, the only ones that should be judging whether or not I'm doing the right thing are my husband and myself, and so far he is 100% in support of my decision.

WORK ON MONDAY! YIPPEE!

Bed Rest: Week 4

The baby registry is officially up. My mom and I went to Target on Monday to put some things on the registry. Let me tell you, I walked into the baby section and immediately felt overwhelmed. There are soooo many different brands of diapers, bottles, pacifiers, baby wipes, cribs, car seats, etc, etc, etc.... That section went on for aisles and aisles. You always want the best for your baby, so it was very difficult picking the best products from the merchandise that was on the shelves. And since I'm not supposed to be walking around for more than 30 minutes I had to execute this mission quickly and efficiently.

On Tuesday I had another doctor's appointment. I packed myself an overnight bag just in case she told me to go to the hospital again because I dilated further than 1 cm. Luckily for me everything was still the same and I got to go home!!!! Soooooo relieved! I know that it's better to be safe than sorry, but the hospital is just not the place where I want to be.

Wednesday my coworkers sent over a very nice gift basket with lots of goodies to keep me occupied during my bed rest.
It included: Garrett's popcorn, Ghiradelli chocolates, a puzzle, sudoku and hangman books, thermal socks, balls of yarn, Tevana tea, a photo album, scrapbooking supplies, some dvds, and magazines. It was the kindest gesture anyone's ever done for me. Hell, I've yet to receive a bouquet of flowers from my husband. The most I ever get from him are requests to do things around the house since I'm "here all day." There are definitely times when I can't stand my job or the predictable routine of going to work everyday, but I do feel that I have some of the best coworkers in the world and just going in just to converse with them keeps me in that department.

This morning was rough. I'm really starting to feel the effects of being stuck in the house all the time, with no one to talk to but the cat. I don't think anyone but me and women like me fully understand how it feels to be on bed rest. Not even my husband. I don't think he fully understands the effect it can have on a person mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm usually home day in and day out 9am to 9pm. I see my husband in the morning before he goes to work and when he comes home at night after he gets out of night class. He has night class every day except Fridays. Even the weekends get lonely because he might have to meet with one of his groups. Like last Saturday he had a community service project to do. He left around 7am and didn't come home until around 7pm. Tomorrow he's going to a football game with one of his friends, a game that I thought I would've been able to go to but that's not the case. So once again, I'm stuck being alone on a Saturday.

Let me be clear that I'm on partial bed rest. My doctor said I can go out to eat, to the movies, or do activities like that as long as I'm sitting down. She doesn't want me laying around the house all day being bored. So I would have like to go to the football game, but there wasn't an extra ticket. Kinda makes me upset that he's going anyway. Like I said before, this bed rest thing is definitely not having a positive mental and emotional effect on me. I'm starting to resent the things my husband can do and the things that I can't do. I KNOW I'm supposed to be thinking about the baby, and I am, but aren't I supposed to be looking out for my well-being as well? I don't know how I'm going to make it through another 3 months doing this without losing my mind.

Frustration!

I always told myself that I would never want to be a housewife. Well, bed rest makes me feel that way. It's one thing to ask for a couple of things to be done around the house, however, I don't appreciate being told to cook something, clean something, or fix something. Yes, I get bored sitting here at home, but it's for a bigger cause and I've come to terms with that. I don't think my husband fully understands what bed rest really means. The fact that I was in the hospital this week hasn't registered in his mind that moving around and doing too much could possibly be detrimental to my and the baby's health. Now, he's never been one to completely grasp medical concepts, but common sense says if I'm on bed rest, if my cervix is dilated, and if I was in the hospital this week, then WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU REQUEST ME TO DO STUFF AROUND THE HOUSE?! Wouldn't you want to help me out? Wash the dishes? Sweep the floor? Cook something or don't get an attitude when I don't feel up to it?

I'm not having a lot of pain or contractions, but I do have discomfort when I stand for long periods of time. I haven't expressed that to him and maybe when I do things will get better but part of me feels like I shouldn't even have to say anything and that he should automatically understand. Never in my life have I ever witnessed something so selfish and I'm really pissed off about it. I'm going to try to take into account that he doesn't know what a cervix is, and that he doesn't know what "dilated" means. But we're going to have a very long discussion when he gets home from work because it's one thing to suggest things to do in a way to make it seem like you're concerned about my boredom. It's another thing to request that things be done. Just wait til you get home Mr. Man... >:-(

2nd Day in Hospital and Discharge

The overnight stay wasn't too bad. I was afraid that nurses would come in and check on me every hour during the night which would mean no real sleep but I was knocked out and if they did come I didn't hear a thing. I didn't suffer any side effects from the shot which was great because that was the last thing on top of being pregnant that I wanted to deal with. I must admit, the hospital was pretty nice. Reminded me of a hotel except that I didn't have my own fridge and microwave lol. All the rooms, including delivery rooms, have 48" flat screen TV's and wifi. Makes your stay there very comfortable. The nurses I had had very good bedside manner, which I was very thankful for.

The hubby left early Tuesday morning (he had spent the night Monday) to go to work so I had a couple of hours to kill before my mom got there. She kept me company until about 3:00 pm which really made the day go by quickly. She's an RN too, so she knew what to expect during my hospital stay. She also got the opportunity to meet my doctor who stopped in to see how I was doing and told me that I could go home after my second shot if my condition didn't worsen. She had taken a fFN test again to see if I would go into labor within the next week and thankfully that came back negative again.

I got a new ultrasound pic. It's a close up of the baby's hand. After seeing how big the hand is I'm convinced that it's a boy because only a boy can have Incredible Hulk hands like his dad. I always make fun of my husband and tell him he has big hands like the Hulk :-) I think the picture is the cutest thing. It's like the baby's waving at mommy and daddy or is reaching up and saying "get me out of here!" Not yet Baby! You still have 3 more months to go!

Sometimes I still can't believe we're about to be parents. I've wanted to be a parent for a long time, I just never thought it would be this soon, and every time I see these ultrasound pictures it just reminds me that in a couple of months I will be someone's mommy.

The food at the hospital isn't half bad either. As I'm sitting here at home I'm REALLY missing that bed side service. Nurses constantly bringing me water, and three free hot meals throughout the day, was great. Still there's nothing like being at home.

One of the neonatologist came in and spoke with me about what procedures the baby would go through in case it was born prematurely. I had just awoke from a nap so most of the information went over my head, but it sounded like the NICU team would have everything under control if that happened. I got the other shot Tuesday night which was worse than the other one being that this nurse stuck the needle ALL the way in my thigh. I definitely didn't appreciate that. I didn't really feel the burning sensation, I guess because she administered the shot the way it was supposed to be done. Hubby showed up after he got out of his night class and spent the night again.

Wednesday morning the doctor came in and checked my cervix and everything was still the same. I hadn't dilated any further so I was free to go! She told me to take it easy at home and try to get the baby to stay in at least until 28-30 weeks when the chance of survival would be even higher than it is now. It took the nurses about an hour after that to check me out, but it felt so good to walk out of that place lol.

I must admit, as much as I was kind of against coming to the hospital (not because I don't care about the health of my baby, but because I'm terrified of hospitals and that was my first hospital stay) I'm glad I did. The health of my baby was reassured and I know I have a good team of professionals looking out for us.

Follow Up and Emergency Hospital Stay

Yesterday I went to the doctor's office for my weekly follow up exam and it just so happened that I was 1 cm dilated. Oh Joy! Then she says, "I want you to head over to the hospital, like, right now." If that couldn't have been the most inconvenient thing that I've heard since she put me on bed rest I don't know what is. I came for a routine doctor's visit, so I had no overnight bag, toiletries, nothing. She wanted me to spend the night there so that I could receive 2 shots of bethamasone, a steroid to help the baby's lungs develop just in case it's born prematurely. I headed over to the hospital and checked in around 4:30 pm and didn't get a bed until 7:00 pm. They're so lucky I didn't go into labor right there in the waiting room! I called the hubby to throw some things together in a bag for me, including this lovely laptop, for my stay and he headed to the hospital. I'm definitely going to pack an overnight bag as soon as I get home just in case something like this happens again.

After finally being admitted, the nurse did some regular routine vitals and I got the worst shot I think I've ever received in my life. The first dose was in my right thigh, and the medicine set my whole leg on fire. I've never had something burn so bad. It wore off within a couple of minutes but was absolutely horrible in the beginning. My doctor came in later to make sure my cervix hadn't dilated anymore and luckily it was still at 1 cm. She reassured me that some women can go the rest of their pregnancy being 1 or 2 cm dilated and make it to full term, something that I'm really hopeful for. I'm a resilient person and I hope that I have a resilient baby. I don't like to give up too easily, so when she told me that I could possibly make it all the way to December being dilated that gave me hope and I will do everything in my power to make sure that me and the baby come out of this healthy and happy. Stay tuned for more hospital stay details!

Follow Up at the Doctor

Yesterday was my follow up appointment from a week ago when I was first told that I would have to be on bed rest. Well.... nothing changed. I still have to stay at home, not only for a week, but for the next 5 weeks. She wants me to reach 30 weeks in my pregnancy before I go anywhere or do anything strenuous. So that means I won't be working at all until the end of October, MAYBE. I really don't anticipate going back to work until the baby is born and I kind of have mixed feelings about that.

On one hand, bed rest is a nice vacation from those that irritate me the most at my job, but on the other hand I just got a new boss and feel that I need to prove myself as a good worker, especially since I'm the ONLY black person in my department. Sure, there's other minorities there, but I definitely feel like I'm looked at differently, and I don't care how diverse and Vincentian my job claims to be. There are some things in this world that never change, and race relations are one of them. I sent my boss an email today explaining everything to him. Didn't get a response so we'll see what happens. FMLA protects me from losing my job but it doesn't protect me from people's judgement.

Other than the job issue, I've been pretty at ease. I'm still not dilating so that's still a good sign. She also did a preterm labor test called the Fetal Fibronectin (fFN) test. It can determine if a woman is going to go into labor within the next week or two. She called me today and told me it was negative, which is a very good thing. It means that my little bun will continue to bake for a couple more weeks. I really don't think I'll have this baby prematurely. Sometimes a mother just knows. I think I'll make it to December with no major problems so I still try to move around and get a little exercise so I don't get blood clots and other complications that come with bed rest.

Everyone keeps telling me that I should enjoy this free time while I can because the real work will be here soon. I'm going to try to take their advice...

Day 4 of Bed Rest and Things that happen to your body that nobody tells you about pregnancy

So it really hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. I was thinking that I would be so extremely bored and out of my mind, but that hasn't been the case at all. Now, if this continues until it's time for me to give birth then I don't know how this is going to play out. But me and the hubby have been researching houses so that's had me preoccupied for the last couple of days. I did sneak out to look at a couple houses, but I came right back home! I've been feeling good so far, so lets hope I stay on that path. Today I'm not going ANYWHERE. Tomorrow may be a different story because my sister's wedding is tomorrow and I haven't figured out how I'm going to tackle that.

I promised to talk about the things that happen to you when you're pregnant that no one tells you until you actually experience it.

**Warning*** These descriptions may be too vivid or make you lose your lunch. Read at your own expensive, although I promise it will be educational.

1. Mucous plug: This lovely occurrence happens at the beginning of pregnancy. It acts as a "plug" to block infections from reaching the uterus and baby and also prevents aminotic fluid from leaking out. You may experience heavy vaginal discharge at this stage. It is released when it gets close to the time for you to deliver your baby. I don't even want to describe what it looks like and if you want more information I suggest you look it up lol
2. Speaking of increased vaginal discharge, I feel like I'm on my period most of the time. Wearing a panty liner can help with feeling fresh.
3. Calcium intake: The baby will suck all the calcium from your body, and if you don't do something about it, you will have very brittle bones, nails, hair, etc.... Drink milk, eat cheese (the pasteurized ones), yogurt, leafy green veggies, and other sources of calcium.
4. Food and Drinks: Other than not drinking your favorite martini, there are also items that you should not intake. You can't eat deli meats, unpasteurized foods like cheeses, and certain salad dressings like caesar (one of my favs). These items may contain bacteria that will not be healthy for the baby's development.
5. Pets: If you have a cat, do not clean the litter box, enough said.
6. Leg Cramps: Random leg cramps in the middle of the night are NOT fun. They are very painful Charlie Horses and something I could definitely do without. To help with these make sure you stay very hydrated and consume LOTS of calcium. Drink a glass of milk/water or eat some yogurt before bed. Bananas don't really help me but it might help others.
7. Braxton Hicks Contractions: This is the body's way of preparing for delivery. They are uterine contractions that can start as early as 6 weeks into your pregnancy. They are painless, but annoying and depending on how strong they are can be very uncomfortable. And yes, they get stronger with time. These can sometimes be brought on by dehydration, so drink plenty of water, especially if you're no where near the time to give birth.
8. Waking Orgasms: Okay, this may be a little personal but happens to many women. Since there's so much blood rushing to that area, many women c an experience orgasms in their sleep. Trust me, I know.
9. Labor Stimulation: I learned about two things that could bring on labor, and that's....nipple stimulation and the hormones in semen. Supposedly, nipple stimulation causes the release of a hormone called Oxytocin that can bring about labor. Semen has a hormone called Prostaglandins that can soften and dilate the cervix.

Ah the joys of pregnancy. I think the only thing that I enjoy is the feeling of my little one moving around (and maybe the sleeping orgasms). Everything else kind of weirds me out and I only wish that my mother, aunts, grandmas, etc warned me of these experiences. I probably would have felt better prepared. However, these are the things I've experienced so far and I'm sure there's more to come.

Bedrest Day 1 and 2

So when I first learned I was being put on bedrest my mind immediately started thinking of ways to entertain myself in case this thing last for more than a week. So I made of list of things to do while confined to my bed:

• Clip my cat's nails because she stabs me when she hops on my lap
• Finish my crochet blanket that I started more than a year ago and never finished
• Catch up on my Soaps
• Work on wedding album
• Finish my thank you cards
• Research baby room decorations
• Research baby names
• BLOGGING!

The next couple items were things my soror recommended:

• Look for houses on the internet
• See what's ON DEMAND
• Play games online
• Read books
• Get in some good sleep I'll be missing when the baby comes
• Check out upcoming movies (that I may not see anyway because I can't get out the bed)
• Look up new baby gadgets
• Look up crockpot recipes (which will come in handy when I can't stand for long periods of time)

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook with this. So yesterday I looked for houses online and started on finishing my crocheting. I also flat ironed my hair in bed which turned out very impressive. I'm trying to keep in mind that time flies and that I can't believe I'm already 6 months when it feels like yesterday that I took the pregnancy test. I'm not a big TV person so I'll be doing a lot of internet play and reading. I might even pick up playing video games. Who knows. Daytime television doesn't exactly interest me, I'm more into the ABC primetime shows like Lost, Grey's Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives which I'm desperately missing and I'm sooooo glad that it's finally September! Coming up next will be my blog about things I never knew would happen to my body when I became pregnant.

24 Weeks and Bedrest

Yesterday was my 24 week prenatal appointment and I was not prepared for what I was about to hear. Two years ago I had a LEEP procedure done because I had precancerous cells on my cervix. The procedure basically cuts that portion of your cervix off so the bad cells don't multiply and it can regenerate new, healthier cells. A LEEP can sometimes cause complications with pregnant women and I guess I can be thrown in that group. My cervix was only 2 cm long and the doctor was scared that I might go into preterm labor. I'm not dilating so that's very good news. They put me on bedrest for a week and I have to go back next Monday to see if the situation gets any better. Something tells me that I'll be on bedrest until I reach full term, and if that's the case then so be it. I'll do whatever is best for my baby.

To think, in my last post I was complaining about not being able to go out and have fun, now I can't even go to work. I guess this is a good lesson to remain grateful for the things that you can do because now I can't even leave the bed lol.

On a happier note, the baby is going great! As long as I can keep him/her in there everything will be fine so the baby can have more time to develop. At 24.5 weeks babies have a good chance of survival but I want to make sure mine makes it far past that.

Here's the lastest picture! The little one was wiggling the whole time during the ultrasound :-)

Never Gonna Be the Same

It's a Saturday night and I can't find anything to do or anyone to do anything with. My husband is going out with his friends and I feel like a prisoner in my own home because we only have one car and out of the friends he has, he's the only one that has a car. So here I am, depressed once again because the pregnant chick can't go anywhere or do anything that I want. Sometimes I even feel like my friends don't want to hang out with me because I'm pregnant and they probably see me as a man repellant. I just want to enjoy my time a little more before the baby comes and then I really won't be going anywhere then, and probably won't even feel like it. I'm at the end of my second trimester and I feel like time has flown since I first found out I was pregnant. I can't wait to meet the little one but while he/she is still baking I want to enjoy these last few months I have left.

Bachelorette Party and Second Guessing

This past Saturday was my Bachelorette Party. My sorors and friends did a great job putting it on and I appreciate everything they did. I made the announcement that I was pregnant before everyone did their third shot. (Wish I could have done one). Most people knew but a few were surprised. On top of that, no one wanted to believe that I was 18 weeks, which is approximately 4.5 months. One of my sorors told me she was huge when she was 4 months. So that makes me ask a couple of questions.

• Is it because I'm skinny that I don't show as quickly as others?
• Should I be eating more? (Even though I swear I've been eating like a pig)
• When am I finally pop out with the big bump?

It really worries me and makes me feel like I'm not doing something right when someone else compares their situation, but I guess that's why every source I read says that different women develop differently. My next appointment will tell me if the baby is healthy and if I need to eat more. I weigh myself about every other day and I think I'm doing a decent job of gaining weight, but maybe I'll try to pack on more pounds after the wedding.

3 Day Hiatus is Over!

So since Saturday I was freaking out because "Wiggles" aka "Baby" aka "Little Rice" wasn't moving (or at least I couldn't feel it). When I first felt the flutters at about 15 weeks, they were strong and clearly it was not gas. It was a feeling I had never felt before so I knew it was the baby. Ever since then Baby's kicks have been pretty consistent, that is until the weekend came. I may have been really active on Saturday, so I was scared when I hadn't noticed any movement that day or Sunday or Monday! FINALLY at like 4am this morning I felt something that I thought was the baby.

I just came back from lunch with my coworkers where I had some country fried steak, rice, and grapes for dessert. Baby liked one of those things because he/she's kicking me in my lower left pelvic region as I type. Maybe it was the sugar from the grapes. To think, I was gonna go out and buy a fetal doppler just to make sure there was still a heart beat. I was almost afraid that I couldn't call Wiggles "wiggles" anymore. So thank you very much baby for letting mommy know that you're okay.

Movement!

I feel movement! The little baby is kicking, flipping, squirming, and wiggling and it makes me more and more excited. I swear after this wedding I'll be able to obsess over baby names, and baby clothes, and planning my baby shower. I just gotta get over this wedding hurdle and baby will get all the attention he or she wants :-)

Yes Doctor, Take All My Money

So, the pointless doctor appointments are getting old. Every month I have to go to the doctor. Sometimes I get an ultrasound picture and sometimes they just listen to the baby's heartbeat. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to know that my baby is okay, but I can buy one of the dopplar things for myself and just call them to tell them the baby's heart rate. That's clearly all the doctor did today. Took the heart rate and some blood and sent me on my way. When it gets closer to the due date I'll have to go to the doctor every week and I'm not sure how I feel about that if they're just going to listen to the heart beat.

In other news, I finally told my coworkers I was pregnant. My bridal shower was this past weekend and I didn't want them to be there and hear someone mention the pregnancy. Talk about an awkward moment. So I told them, and they were happy for me. I think the biggest hurdle would be to tell my boss, which I'll probably do AFTER the wedding. That's the main reason why I haven't really told anyone. People are driving me crazy about the wedding and I can't have them asking me questions about the wedding AND the baby. So I'll wait, and I'm content with that. I was gonna tell the rest of my chapter sorors that I was pregnant, but right when I was about to send out and email to the listserv, one of my other sorors announced that she was pregnant. I'm happy for her because she was pregnant before but had a miscarriage and I know they were trying for a baby.

The hormones must be getting to me. It's either that or the stress of the wedding; but yesterday I saw this guy hit this cat with a bottle, it darted across the street and could've gotten hit by a car! Joe was in the car with me and I started going on a rant about how much I hate people and how ignorant they are and just started balling my eyes out. I felt it coming, I knew I was gonna cry, but I had been feeling like crying all day and that just set me over the edge. Good ole hormones I tell ya!

I get to find out what I'm having next month! I know Joe really doesn't want to know, but I do, just so I can have some peace of mind. I just won't tell him :-)

It's a baby!

Look at the bean! (That's what I call him/her). I went to the doctor a couple of days ago because I was spotting but and of course they looked at me like I was a crazy woman that worries too much. What else am I supposed to do? This is my first baby so I really don't know what to expect. Anyway, at least I got a not so free ultrasound picture. It was amazing. Every time I moved, the baby wiggled :-), which was a calming feeling to me to let me know everything is okay. It's amazing how the baby went from looking like a little peanut to the form of a human being. I get to bring life into the world and I am honored. Feelings of resentment and depression have definitely subsided. Drinking is not even an option for me because there's no way in the world I want to hurt that little person growing inside of me. I feel like I've grown up significantly in these past 13 weeks. Hell, I can't even believe that 13 weeks have passed. I definitely don't feel sick anymore, and I've come to grasp the fact that I will have to take a vitamin everyday to ensure the health of my baby. My belly is starting to poke out a little bit, but I'm still able to hide it. People who don't know about the pregnancy probably think I'm just gaining weight. And I know one of my coworkers is wondering when I'm going to start working out to fit into a dress that I probably won't fit. I'll be 5 months at the time of the wedding, and I'm not quite sure how I'll fit into a dress that is fitted at the top. I'm not too worried about it anymore. I just want to get the day over with so we can concentrate on SAVING money and putting it towards the baby and our life together.

Just a thought...

Looking at my little widget to the right of the screen really helps me when I want to know the progress of my baby. Wow, never thought I would ever type those words. Last night I went to a Luau where of course everyone was drinking, and not once did I really want one.

Second Preggo Appt

I heard the baby's heartbeat today! 170 bpm! It's like me running a race. I'm getting excited now. I even had the baby daddy come to the doctor with me. I've never seen him so uncomfortable in my life lol. It's like watching an extremely homophobic person at a gay pride parade. I really hope he's able to put away his squeamishness for when I actually go into labor. Now that's going to be something to see! My next appointment isn't until next month. It's really amazing at how much the baby grows week by week. The 12th week is when the embryo is officially considered a fetus. Hopefully next time I get some more ultrasound pictures. More updates to come!

Feeling Better

So I got a new prenatal vitamin. With the advice of one of my friends, I learned that I don't necessarily have to take those huge nasty horse pills the doctor prescribed. I went speed walking around a track by my house about 6 times. Not sure how big that track is, but I'm guessing it's like a mile or more. The morning sickness has gone away and my next doctor appointment is next Thursday. I'm getting used to being pregnant. Sometimes I forget about it in the morning when I wake up, especially if I don't have any back pain or sickness. I'm hoping to hear/see good things next week!

I need to eat better. My tummy keeps telling me I want junk food like McDonald's, pizza, nachos, and other good salty foods that will clog my arteries. However, my mind, fiance, doctors, and family keep telling me to eat healthier. I also need to exercise more. So I'm going to invest in some lettuce, croutons, salad dressing, vegetables, and fruit. I'm also researching a couple of pregnancy workout dvds so I can stay in shape and keep my energy level up.

Not Again

This morning I woke up to the realization that I was spotting again. I don't recall doing anything intense the past couple days. I haven't really been stressed except for the fact that people are driving me crazy about the wedding. I'm trying to understand why this is happening. I'm also trying to understand if I'm going to see this pregnancy the whole way through. Although I'm in a confused state about pregnancy and motherhood, I DO want to keep my baby. I don't want to experience going through a miscarriage because for so long I didn't even think I could have kids. I also wonder if a past surgery is going to affect this pregnancy. I'm at risk for cervical cancer, and a couple of years ago I had a procedure done on my cervix to remove pre-cancerous cells. I've been clear ever since then but I'm wondering how much of my cervix they chopped off and if everything's okay. My doctor told me that they'll watch me closer when I get closer to my due date because I'm at risk of having a premmie (sp?).

Ugh, there's so many things I'm worried about. I just want to make it through the first trimester. I heard the first trimester is the hardest and after that you're almost in the clear to keeping the baby. Anything can happen but I'm remaining hopeful.

Trying to Deal

Don't get me wrong. Babies are gifts from God that should never be taken for granted. But what I feel right now (and most of the time) is depressed/worried/anxious/etc... I never thought about all the things I wouldn't be able to do for the next nine months. I'm young and I like to have fun. I can't drink (I like to drink), I can't eat deli meats (I love the Italian BMT from Subway), I can't ride rollercoasters (I LOOVVVEEE rollercoasters). Sometimes I feel like this summer is going to be a drag. I'm getting married in August and I had planned on getting really messed up at my bachelorette party and wedding. That's not going to happen now.

I just read over that paragraph and realized how selfish I sound. Is it normal to feel this way though? I really am looking forward to being a mother, I just wasn't expecting it so soon, nor did I think about the ways that it would change my life. I think I'll still be in a state of shock until my stomach actually starts growing and I feel some kind of movement in there.

I also didn't take into account how this pregnancy would affect my relationship with the father. Certain "activities" can only be done at a minimum right now and I'm hoping he can be as patient as I can. This morning we got into it about me taking the prenatal vitamins that my doctor prescribed. They're HUGE horse pills that I refuse to swallow. So instead I've been taking folic acid pills which are no bigger than baby pearl earrings. Those I can swallow with no problem. When I told him I wasn't going to take the pills he thought I was kidding, until he found out I hadn't been taking them and had a heart attack. So the solution to this problem is for him to make me a smoothie and mix the pill in so I won't have to worry about choking to death. (I've never been able to swallow pills). I am, however, upset with him because he runs away everytime I try to explain what going on with my body. It's like I'm doing this all by myself. All he wants to do is sit back and chastize me for the things I'm doing wrong and he's not even being supportive. The best form of support is listening. Us pregnant women have emotions (lots of them!) and we need to express them, especially to the person who's in this situation with us! So listen guys out there! Even if you sit there and don't say anything we'll be kinda satisfied!

Guess It Wasn't My Imagination

I had my first ultrasound last Thursday. Loooooonngggest doctor's appointment of my life. First I had to have an interview with the nurse. Then I had the ultrasound. They sent me back to the waiting room and then I was called in again for the actual doctor's examination. She told me lots of things I could and couldn't do and then told me that she needed to test me for every disease under the sun. I've never been poked so many times with needles.

That's my baby at 6 weeks and 5 days old :-)

However, the exam proved to be successful and my estimated due date just happens to be MY BIRTHDAY! I don't know how I feel about that because I never envisioned myself having another Capricorn. I aslo kinda torn on what I want the sex of the baby to be. No doubt I want a beautiful and healthy baby, I just don't know how to deal with a baby boy or girl, especially a boy. I never grew up with boys and I never babysat boys. So I don't know what to do. If it's a girl I'm scared of her becoming another me and it'll be the sweetest revenge for my parents because I know I wasn't the greatest person to be around when I was a teenager. We'll see. I'm pretty good with kids and I hope I'll be a good mom.

My, My, What a Surprise!

On April 29th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant. Since then it's been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster for me because it was sooooo unexpected. I knew we wouldn't get away with it for long but after not being on birth control since 2006 and barely using an other form of contraception, we just figured we'd be one of those couple that needed invitro or some other type of fertility assistance to have a baby. Needless to say, our little miracle has happened and we are up for the challenge!

Here's an account of what we've been experiencing thus far:

April 29th: Day of Realization

So I realized I missed my period by 6 days. I've been late before and I've always linked it to stress, but I've NEVER been that late before. I've been in the position before where I was late and took a pregnancy test just to have it be negative and my period show up later that day. I wasn't interested in wasting anymore money on something that was going to tell me I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself I was going to wait until May 1st to take one, however, I couldn't wait anymore and after finding a test I never used (it came in a 2 pack that I bought a while ago) I cracked and used it. To my surprise it was positive! At that point I didn't know what to do. The first person I told was one of my sorority sisters.

I then took a picture of the test with my phone and sent it my fiancé. After him sprinting around the apartment looking for me (I was hiding), he finally found me. I must say, I've never seen him quite so shocked in my life lol. Of course he proceeded with the "huh"..."what"..."how"...."what are we gonna do next".... Then the "well in the back of my mind I knew already." Claimed he had been tracking my cycle. Yeah right! Anyway, that was day one. I went to work completely in shock but managed to stay composed and unsuspicious. I made my first appointment with the OB/GYN which is May 14th (seemed so far away at that point) and tried to relax.

April 29th - May 4th: Shock/Denial/Worry Phase

I'm supposed to be getting married in August. The pregnancy kinda presents a problem because I already bought my dress. By then I'll be between 15-19 weeks and I have no idea how big I'll be. The top of the dress is fitted and I know I don't want to experience any kind of awkwardness. The fiancé thinks I should just have it altered to be taken out and I don't think it'll be that simple. I also wanted to go on a nice honeymoon but that's out of the question now too. Unless we go somewhere nice within driving distance because I'm not that familiar with flying while pregnant. That swine flu is going around anyway and I'm not sure I want to travel anywhere right now. I just don't want to be on hotghettomess.com with my pregnant belly hanging out of my wedding dress.

I want to tell my parents. Although I can't wait to see their reaction, I'm also scared of what they might say. They've been pretty supportive of me throughout my entire life so I'm not too worried, but people can and will surprise you. I just hope they take the news the right way. I've been playing with little online tools that help you determine your due date and so far the consensus is that the baby will be born on my dad's birthday (something I KNOW he'll be excited about, especially if it's a boy). I have so many questions to ask and things to talk about with my mom and the suspense is killing me. I don't plan to tell them until I have my first complete doctor's examination. So far two of my sorority sisters, my little sister, and one of my high school friends know. Me and my friend had an unspoken competition of who was going to have a baby first, so he's not too happy right now :-)

May 5th - 7th: Uh oh!

I started spotting Tuesday night through Wednesday morning and I was really worried I was having a miscarriage. After all the complaining I did about not being able to fit in my wedding dress and do all the things I wanted to do I felt like God was punishing me for not being grateful for my precious little gift. I immediately went to the doctor where they did an ultrasound and told me it was too early to tell if I was having a miscarriage. They took a blood sample to see how far along I was and told me the doctor would call me the next day with the results. If my hCG and progesterone levels were low it would mean that I was losing the baby. They were able to tell me they saw a "yolk sac" on the ultrasound.

The next day, Thursday, my doctor called me and told me all my levels were great. Luckily the spotting had stopped after my doc appt the previous day. The spotting could have been from a number of things like old blood from a missed period, an ultra-sensitive cervix, and other things. As long as the blood was brown (which it was) I should be okay. I felt reassured that everything was going to be okay and looked forward to my May 14th appointment.

May 8th - May 11th: What an Emotional Weekend!

My chapter (I'm part of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc.) was putting on this big Mother's Day event this past weekend. I've never been so stressed and tired in my life and all I could think about was it being over!! The event was on the 9th and I was having a really bad day. Me and the fiancé got in a fight, the responsibility I had to for Rhomania was falling apart, and I cried, yes cried, in front of Sorors. After that I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be in any pictures, or socialize for that matter. At the shin dig I did notice that I have an accentuated sense of smell. We had yellow roses on all the tables and I couldn't walk past not one table without feeling like the roses were screaming at me. Then the servers put the salad dressings on the table which did not mix well with the roses. I really just wanted to get out of there.

Sunday was Mother's Day and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to tell my mom but I held back and didn't tell her :-( Would May 14th get here already!!!!!

On Monday I went to Prentice Women's Hospital (Northwestern) to visit one of my Sorors who just had a baby. That hospital is gorgeous!! I can't wait to have my baby there lol. Flat screen TVs with wifi! Of course, top-notch doctors too lol. Her baby was beautiful and I can't wait to have the same experience. of course after listening to some of her birthing stories I'm not so sure I want to have an all-natural birth now. That worries me a little. My mom had me and my other sisters naturally and said she didn't have any real pain. She said she just felt like it was one big cramp and all babies were out. She had quick labors and I only hope that her experiences are genetic. I have a high tolerance for pain, I'm just not sure if I'll meet my match when it's time to have this baby.

May 12th: Happy Birthday Mommy!

Today is my mom's birthday! Let's hope I don't spill the beans and wait for another two days. It's just two days... I can do it... I think lol.